Posts Tagged ‘funny’


10 Horrifying Online Dating Stories

Monday, July 4th, 2011

Internet dating has become the norm for meeting someone and has worked for many people across the world.  However, not all dates turn out to be the best. Here’s a few stories of bad dates.

1.    Sock puppet? Really?

After deciding to meet a guy that she had met online, they met at a park and something strange happened.  The guy started talking to her with a sock puppet.  It wasn’t funny, it was creepy and she got out.

2.    Escape from your date.

After seeing some pictures of a reasonably handsome guy, and his nice bike, she decided to meet him.  The only recognizable thing was the bike.  His teeth were nasty, he was at least 15 years older than his picture and he had a cyst next to his left eye.  Promptly she found a way to make a clean getaway when he went inside to get some coffee.

3.    Moving a bit fast?

After deciding to meet for coffee  after IMing for awhile, here is the timeline of the date:
15 minutes in: He holds my hand. (After 15 min of struggling, my hand is held hostage. He was a foot taller and 100lbs heavier.)
30 minutes in: Him: (in the midst of coffee) “My mom is going to be happy… She wants me to get married already.”
45 minutes in: Him: “Oh, do you like places like that? Should we buy a place together like that?”
1 hr 15 min in: Him: “I really enjoyed our time together, I can’t wait to see you again!”
The next night on IM: Him: “So what are you going to tell your mom?”

4.    Mistaken Identity

We had spoken several times on AIM and the phone, but never met.  While out with a friend and her new beau, I drunkenly called him up and (since we happened to be out in the same neighborhood) we arranged to meet for the first time.  I suggested he come down to the bar we were at, but he insisted we meet on the nearby street corner.  I waited a few minutes and then walked down to meet him.  Standing on the corner, I was obviously very nervous.  I looked around, searching for him, but no one nearby even came close to resembling him.

Suddenly, across the street, I saw a man blatantly staring me down… But it wasn’t him (or was it?)… This man was approximately three times older than I’d anticipated and a hundred times creepier than I could’ve ever imagined.  He just kept staring and staring.  I searched the other street corners frantically, hoping to see the real guy approaching, but he was nowhere to be found.

The light changed and the old creepy man began crossing towards me, staring all the while.  I reached for my cell phone and called his number, but there was no answer.  The old creepy man came closer and closer.  I called again.  No answer.  Was this some kind of joke?  Was he really a creepy scary man who was going to attack me?!  Ahhhh!

Just as he was about to step up on the curb where I stood, I quickly turned and sprinted back to the bar I’d been at earlier and hid behind the bouncers outside.  Still no response from him and old creepy man was now walking down the street towards me again!  “I’m going to diiiiiiiiiie!” I screamed in my head.
The creepy man came closer… closer… closer… and walked right past the bar!

Then my phone rang.  It was him.  I went back down to the corner and there he was!  And after that close encounter with creepy man, I couldn’t have been happier to see him!

5.    Really scary

She’d had some experience with online dating and used many different services.  She had many responses to her profiles, but one potential companion stood out.  The emails were a little too good to be true, so she decided to do some detective work.  She looked him up on the sex offender registry, and lo and behold he had just been released from prison after serving years behind bars.  Who knows what would have happened if she had decided to actually meet the guy.

6.    The old standby, misleading photo.

One woman sounded really nice and her picture was incredible. A really hot looking 30-something blonde with a killer body in a little bikini, she immediately caught my eye.

Two weeks later, after a series of e-mails back and forth, we met at a restaurant on Union Street in San Francisco. When I got there, I had problems finding the place. She was blocking it, along with the sun. The last bikini this gal wore had to have been the size of the Bikini Islands. I am so grateful that the place where we met was a buffet; otherwise I would have had to take out a small business loan to cover the bill.

I’m not someone who is usually too hung up on looks, but to be deceived to this degree didn’t sit too well with me. I could see she had a pretty face, and I’m assuming that the photo she had on was at one time in the distant past actually her. But, since then she had gorged her way into being the behemoth that sat right in front of me well, actually all around me. Discouraged and feeling defrauded, I bailed out halfway through dessert, it was all-you can-eat and I could tell she was just getting started.

7.    Angry

We met online and dated for a few weeks. He showed incredible anger at the world. He got into a huge fight at a pool hall, while I was with him. Then he took me back to his house and showed me his gun vault with 22 firearms inside. He announced that one day, he just knew he was going to kill someone. I left and never came back!

8.    Truly messed up

He came to my door to pick me up for dinner. I wasn’t quite ready so I invited him inside. He came in, took one look at me up and down, seeing me for the first time. He then lunged at me, grabbing me and shoving his tongue in my mouth. I screamed and pushed him off. He said, come on baby, you know you want me to eat you out good!

9.    Bad news

Met the guy at the bar for a drink. He talked about sex nonstop and going back to my place immediately to “get it on”, then as if that was not bad enough, went on to admit that he was married.

10.   Poor Hamster

A friend of mine is trying internet dating. Recently, he has met a lady he liked and they were chatting online for weeks, having interesting conversations. Then she tells him an anecdote that’s supposed to be amusing– about how she sucked up her child’s pet hamster into the vacuum on purpose, to see what would happen. It died, of course. Isn’t that hilarious? My friend is somewhat horrified by this story and her blase joking attitude about it. Needless to say that was the last time they communicated.