Online Dating Profile Pictures – What They Says About You!

One never ceases to be amazed at the amount of effort that goes into constructing a profile.  We agonize over just the right wording in describing what it is we like to do, what we are looking for in a mate, how we want to treat that special someone in our lives.  The places we like to go, being careful to include just a smidge about what turns us on, and what sort of attributes we find attractive.

I’ve read hundreds of well crafted, carefully thought out descriptions of evenings we’d like to spend, what there is in store if I were to select you for a potential partner.  Admit it, we make decisions half way through reading about you and either say to ourselves, “Oh my God, he/she is just what I’m looking for…I can’t believe he likes this too, I love that!” Or “Really, she plays outfield??  Me too!  How much more perfect can this be?!”  But right when our hopes are at an all time high that we’ve discovered in a sea of available and unappealing potentials that we’ve finally stumbled across , “the ONE”, only to find the additional 13 photos they’ve uploaded, and then urrrgghh, our hopes are dashed.

Bathing Suits

Exactly what is going through the minds of the girl who uploads a photo of herself in a bikini?  Particularly one that she shouldn’t leave her backyard in?  Do you really think I’m attracted to that gut hanging over your poor overstretched bottoms?  How about the size D cup spilling out of the bikini triangle top that’s begging for mercy?  Are we to deduct that we are so turned on by the low hanging cleavage and the cut marks in your neck as the top struggles to defy gravity that you think it makes us want you?  Wrong!  We simply know how tacky you are sister, and that you have such low self esteem that you think you need to display your goods in an effort to catch a date that your telegraphing to us, “Use me for a one nighter!”  And fellas, if there’s a speedo popping up on your profile, well need I say more???  I mean save something to be discovered if in fact we hook up.


Another faux pau that is rampantly out of control on profile pictures is the dreaded self-portrait.  Has anyone long enough arms to properly capture a photo of themselves?  I think not.  What’s funny is while out of town or on vacation, we happily approach the first bystander we see and harmlessly ask, “Would you take our photo?”  Has anyone ever been turned down for this request?  I mean has anyone ever replied, “Hell no, take your own!” of course not.  So why then is it perfectly ok to ask a stranger for this simple request when we are out of town, but when at home we can’t bring ourselves to take our cameras to the grocery store and ask the first mom we see, “Pardon me, would you mind taking a couple pictures for me?”, pretty simple stuff, and certainly enough willing participants available.  Heck, for that matter, what about the cashier?  She’s on the clock and certainly in no hurry, so she’s got nothing else to loose.  What’s that, the grocery store is not exactly the message you want to send?  Why, you don’t eat?  Besides, that’s what the crop button is for.  I’d much rather see Rice Crispies in the background than that photo of you and your ex where you got crazy with the black or white out function in photo shop!

While we are on the topic of self portraits, let’s not forget those all too flattering web cam shots!  Look try as you might, and despite how good your computer is, there is no such thing as a flattering web cam shot!  Particularly the funky angle shots where we see that oh so receding hairline, or worse, the hanging skin beneath your chin that perfectly highlights the hairs in your nose.  Bottom line, self-portraits scream LAME!  I have no friends, I’m too lazy to bother to ask someone to give me four seconds to snap a photo of me, or worse, I can’t afford a camera.  And for God sakes boys, if you find yourself in your bathroom trying to shoot yourself in the mirror, please, do us all a favor and use a Smith & Wesson instead of a Minolta!


One of favorite deal breakers is the “Flexin shirtless shot”.  Honey, we see your face turning red from suckin in those abs!  Unless your trying to advertise to your next potential date that you are a knuckle draggin dufus who’s only draw is your body, skip the work out and gym shots, once again, they only scream that your simply good for a one nighter, not someone you’d introduce to your friends, let alone consider for a relationship.

Oh I could go on and on, the shots of your dog; your car; your motorcycle; the scenery shots of your last vacation; you lost amongst 19 of your friends with no indication which one is you; 4 out of 5 shots with you holding a drink (oh there’s a good message, not!) or my personal favorite, 9 out of 10 photos with you wearing your sunglasses, two of which were taken indoors; yes the offenses seemingly have no end.

Please people; the word is restraint. Judicious restraint.  The same rules apply to you as they do to the potential mates you seek, if the only picture you feel comfortable enough to use is one of you and your ex, then for heavens sake, please crop only your face and make sure we can’t see her appendages in the shot!  Remember, your choice of photos says as much about you as the words you use to describe yourself, so think before you upload, less is more.